On the 20^th April 2011 Sony’s titanic global online multiplayer gaming service PlayStation Network (Or PSN) was turned off after what was 24 hours later described by official Sony representatives as an “External intrusion” in the hope of preventing widespread damage to its systems.

Many people immediately pointed their fingers at the hacker group Anonymous, who weeks earlier had had a margin of success implementing Distributed Denial of Service (DDoS) attacks on PSN and caused widespread disruption to the service.

Since the 20^th Anonymous have publicly denied any involvement in (from what Sony’s limited information would have us believe are) a new series of attacks, they may very well be attacks, however if my understanding of the general mentality of your everyday run of the mill Hacker (If there is such a thing) is correct then this to me seems highly unlikely and for 1 simple reason.

Hackers have enormous ego’s, HUGE EGO’S! Ego’s so big that if you took them and moulded them into the shape of an Ass black guys everywhere would be standing in a pool of there own saliva, tongue on the floor going “That mother fucker right there is a big ass ASS”

And what would be the point of taking down one of the largest global electronic manufacturers flag ship products if nobody knew you had done it?! It would be like playing for your National team in the World Cup, scoring 20 goals and winning the bugger while wearing a ski mask the entire time.

Now we would all like to think of ourselves as self deprecating, but there’s being humble and then there’s mugging yourself off and if history shows us anything it’s that Hacker’s generally love the spotlight.

Take George Hotz for instance, the freaky genius hobbit mastermind that hacked the Playstation 3’s OS and thus incurred the wraith of the angry Japanese powerhouse in the first place, which in turn lead to the initial wave of Anonymous hostilities toward Sony. Lets take a look at old Georgie shall we?

Now I don’t wish to sound judgmental here but what the fuck has this kid got going for him other than a phone number for an IQ? Do you think that underneath his Child size M T-shirt George is sporting the physique of an Adonis? That with a bit of a haircut and a trim in the eyebrow department he could suddenly give James Bond a run for his money in charming total hotties he’s never met into wildly abandoned bedroom antics stakes?

FUCK NO! he’s a Geek. A phenomenally gifted and destined for great things Geek granted but a Geek none the less. Jesus he’s looks like if you got him out in the sun you would be able to see his heart beating through his translucent chest! 

But what do Geek’s do to make themselves feel better for there obvious physical failings? They make people feel stupid, in fact they go a step further, they mock their enemies intelligence so venomously that they would not wish to be put in a position where they were asked any question harder than “Would you like fries with that?” so who dunnit Sony? Whose hand is on the smoking gun?

I would also like to make a suggestion to Sony, everybody knows that in hindsight you obviously wished that you had gone about online play differently (Ala Xbox 360 monthly subscription, bet you guys kick yourselves over that one daily) and that you are now DESPERATE to find a way of squeezing people for a few more £’s or $’s for the service you so ungraciously and haphazardly currently provide to us for free.

Here’s an idea, FIRE EVERYONE WORKING IN YOUR PR DEPT. You clearly do not need them, for the last 5 days you have found different ways to politely word a paragraph that essentially reads “Fuck off and leave us alone, we ain’t telling you shit” and in all honestly that hardly requires a workforce comprising of dozens of people now does it? I know a guy that stands outside the pub most nights shitfaced screaming that at passers by for free.

On a positive note the hypnotically time wasting cycle in which you push people through the PS3 site, to the Playstation Blog, then onto Twitter only to find yourself back where you started having read bugger all even close real information with regards to  your time scale is nothing short of masterly nonsense PR, gibberish of the highest caliber. Geobbels would be proud!

Oh and if you do decide to go with firing everyone but need someone to shout “Fuck Off!” at your customers please drop me a line, I have my own Mega Phone and I’m sure we could reach a deal regarding who covers the batteries! The dole have been breathing down my neck a lot recently…

I digress. So where are these Hackers then Sony? Who brought you to your knees like some aging desperate cash strapped whore? So quickly in fact that you felt it necessary to pull the plug to save our personal information and credit card details? No ones put their hand up Sony and its day 5.