JETLER

More PSN thoughts and musings...

PSN still down and the Nerd Rage is building to epic proportions and it’s hardly surprising considering that  as far as Sony are concerned apparently “WE CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH” still no timescale available from the fountain of perpetually never ending bullshit that is the Sony PR department and yet another message claiming that no one knows anything, I have a mental image of that office and it looks like this-

I’ll be honest here, If I were a high end corporate shister at Sony and one of my largest global cashcows had not been milked properly for 6 days and the people who I'd employed in good faith to maintain as positive a public face as possible until normal milking could be resumed, had day after day recycled the same nonsensical tripe and impotent babbling's, which had further alienated and angered your market  more than the unavailability of the service you were supposed to be providing in the first place. I would be FURIOUS! Furious to the point where I would seriously consider walking into their office and with my belt and thrashing the incompetent fucknut’s to within an inch of there miserable loathsome lives. TURDS!

Something that did make me smirk was the speed and blood thirsty ruthlessness displayed by Microsoft and Xbox On Friday 22^nd, when quite unexpectedly they turned their online service on for FREE for the long weekend, I’ll bet they stood and pissed themselves silly at your seemingly limitless ineptitude. I'll bet they have marketing meetings scheduled for this week with regards to bringing Portal 3 and the next Mortal Kombat titles to Xbox in future.

Do you know how many people are registered with PSN globally? I actually only found this out recently and I have to admit that I was shocked at this number, if I’d have been asked this in the street, despite being an avid gamer my guess would have been nowhere even close.

70,000,000

Yes that’s correct Sony are currently ignoring 70 million people! The first “Statement” from the fetid pit of hopeless incompetence (Sony PR) in regards to the PSN outage I believe came a timely 18 hours after they had turned it off.  I think the word I'd use for this kind of treatment is DISRESPECTFUL!

STOP! METAPHOR TIME!

Now to put this in another context, say you and a whole bunch of friends had organized to go out for a night and have a meal at a restaurant. You are all seated and drinks are served. The Waiter then takes everyone’s order, expectations are high as everyone comes to this restaurant and nobody has anything but good things to say about it.

The Restaurant is very famous and also very vocal about its high class cuisine and its reputation throughout the world, so much so that you are required to pay up front before you are even allowed through its hallowed sacred doorway. Everyone orders Steaks and off scoots the waiter into the back while you and your friends sit waiting expectantly and have a drink.

18 Hours pass, the waiter returns to you empty handed “When the hell is my damn steak going to arrive man?” to which the arrogant waiter condescendingly replies “No Idea, soon. But when it arrives this Steak will be the best you have ever tasted” there would be cutlery, fine china and itty bitty pieces of snotty Frenchman everywhere! You would not accept this from any other service you’ve paid for and why the FUCK should you be expected to?

(I was searching for a picture of a snooty waiter and this came up, actually this could well be a very accurate depiction of the PSN customer service hotline)

Now I know you are all thinking “But PSN is free” No it fucking isn’t, somewhere down the retail paper trail money goes into PSN that started its life in your pocket, it’s just that they don’t ask YOU to pay an additional stand alone subscription fee. Yet! Do you think that Sony lets numerous third party multiplayer games producers get use their portal for free?! While writing this a friend infact dug up some "Facts" regarding my wild speculation and lo and behold I was right, there is indeed a Playstation Network Bandwidth Fee so for the time being you can breath a sigh of relief knowing that Sonys dick is in somebody else's ass and not yours!

Tomorrow by the way Sony are reimbursing all customers of PSN for the downtime with multi coloured magic ponies that shit new PS3 releases and have the innate ability to expand the screen you play on by 10 inches.

WAKE THE FUCK UP MORON!    

I would like to thank the manufacturers of Red Wine for making this rant possible! 



On the 20^th April 2011 Sony’s titanic global online multiplayer gaming service PlayStation Network (Or PSN) was turned off after what was 24 hours later described by official Sony representatives as an “External intrusion” in the hope of preventing widespread damage to its systems.

Many people immediately pointed their fingers at the hacker group Anonymous, who weeks earlier had had a margin of success implementing Distributed Denial of Service (DDoS) attacks on PSN and caused widespread disruption to the service.

Since the 20^th Anonymous have publicly denied any involvement in (from what Sony’s limited information would have us believe are) a new series of attacks, they may very well be attacks, however if my understanding of the general mentality of your everyday run of the mill Hacker (If there is such a thing) is correct then this to me seems highly unlikely and for 1 simple reason.

Hackers have enormous ego’s, HUGE EGO’S! Ego’s so big that if you took them and moulded them into the shape of an Ass black guys everywhere would be standing in a pool of there own saliva, tongue on the floor going “That mother fucker right there is a big ass ASS”

And what would be the point of taking down one of the largest global electronic manufacturers flag ship products if nobody knew you had done it?! It would be like playing for your National team in the World Cup, scoring 20 goals and winning the bugger while wearing a ski mask the entire time.

Now we would all like to think of ourselves as self deprecating, but there’s being humble and then there’s mugging yourself off and if history shows us anything it’s that Hacker’s generally love the spotlight.

Take George Hotz for instance, the freaky genius hobbit mastermind that hacked the Playstation 3’s OS and thus incurred the wraith of the angry Japanese powerhouse in the first place, which in turn lead to the initial wave of Anonymous hostilities toward Sony. Lets take a look at old Georgie shall we?

Now I don’t wish to sound judgmental here but what the fuck has this kid got going for him other than a phone number for an IQ? Do you think that underneath his Child size M T-shirt George is sporting the physique of an Adonis? That with a bit of a haircut and a trim in the eyebrow department he could suddenly give James Bond a run for his money in charming total hotties he’s never met into wildly abandoned bedroom antics stakes?

FUCK NO! he’s a Geek. A phenomenally gifted and destined for great things Geek granted but a Geek none the less. Jesus he’s looks like if you got him out in the sun you would be able to see his heart beating through his translucent chest! 

But what do Geek’s do to make themselves feel better for there obvious physical failings? They make people feel stupid, in fact they go a step further, they mock their enemies intelligence so venomously that they would not wish to be put in a position where they were asked any question harder than “Would you like fries with that?” so who dunnit Sony? Whose hand is on the smoking gun?

I would also like to make a suggestion to Sony, everybody knows that in hindsight you obviously wished that you had gone about online play differently (Ala Xbox 360 monthly subscription, bet you guys kick yourselves over that one daily) and that you are now DESPERATE to find a way of squeezing people for a few more £’s or $’s for the service you so ungraciously and haphazardly currently provide to us for free.

Here’s an idea, FIRE EVERYONE WORKING IN YOUR PR DEPT. You clearly do not need them, for the last 5 days you have found different ways to politely word a paragraph that essentially reads “Fuck off and leave us alone, we ain’t telling you shit” and in all honestly that hardly requires a workforce comprising of dozens of people now does it? I know a guy that stands outside the pub most nights shitfaced screaming that at passers by for free.

On a positive note the hypnotically time wasting cycle in which you push people through the PS3 site, to the Playstation Blog, then onto Twitter only to find yourself back where you started having read bugger all even close real information with regards to  your time scale is nothing short of masterly nonsense PR, gibberish of the highest caliber. Geobbels would be proud!

Oh and if you do decide to go with firing everyone but need someone to shout “Fuck Off!” at your customers please drop me a line, I have my own Mega Phone and I’m sure we could reach a deal regarding who covers the batteries! The dole have been breathing down my neck a lot recently…

I digress. So where are these Hackers then Sony? Who brought you to your knees like some aging desperate cash strapped whore? So quickly in fact that you felt it necessary to pull the plug to save our personal information and credit card details? No ones put their hand up Sony and its day 5.